Just about the time I think I’ve seen it all….I’m amazed by some other fucker. Prepare yourselves…

Yesterday…as I’m cleaning out the dark recesses of the studio preparing for remodel…I get a phone call from a nice man looking for information on Prostate Massage. He tells me that he’s having erectile difficulties and was previously diagnosed and treated for an enlarged prostate. He asks if a prostate massage will help him achieve orgasm better/stronger/more ejaculate/hard erection. I explain…who knows unless we try? I also explain…maybe not…

Then he tells me that he has a “machine” that he uses to masturbate. Of course…I want to see it. Then he says, “its just a lil thing I made myself”. NOW…I DEFINITELY have to see it!

We make plans for an hour later…and he comes on time. Nice enough fella. Here’s where it gets good…hold on to your hat. Hes got a horse sized cock…no kidding folks, its HUGE. But, it cant get hard. So…its perpetually limp and looks like a supersized slug. OK…

I tell him we will try with all other measures before resorting to the “machine” that he masturbates with. He says he is tired of being dependent on it and would like to see if he can reach orgasm without it. We try everything, Hitachis, massage/milking…EVERYTHING. No results…I admit to getting frustrated (that doesnt happen often but I like to WIN). Then…we agree we’ll try the machine with prostate massage and see if we can achieve a super orgasm. This is when I see the monstrosity he has brought.

Picture this…a HUGE penis pump tube (like 4″ diameter) with a bike tire pump attached to one end and an old fashioned Oster hand massager attached to the tube. When it was attached to his body…it looked like a vacuum cleaner and was easily the size of a small one.  When he turned it on, it was as loud as one too! HOLY SHIT BATMAN THIS IS SERIOUS MASTURBATION FOLKS. So, this huge cock is sucked into this huge vacuum tube being vibrated and sucked by this machine while I’m fucking his ass just exactly so and VIOLA….we have lift off. I watched through the plastic tube for the load…cuz I wanted to see how much volume that prostate is producing. None, very little. I asked him how often he uses this machine…3-4 times a week. For YEARS. So long…that the pelvic area above his cock is somewhat scared and calloused from the suction.  I wish I had a picture of this prototype cock torture device…

And we wonder WHY we cant function without it? Um Hello…your cock is now used to being sucked at max velocity, vibrated, and probably has little to no sensitivity left from over use. Just a guess.

Ok…lets assess.  When I masturbate too often with the Hitachi to my clit, I cant cum any other way in fairly short order. If I pack it away and restrict its use…I can cum again with little effort. Hmmmmm….coincidence…I dont think so. So…my expert advice is to stop putting your cock into a vacuum monster machine for awhile and see if the little things make it excited again. Again…just guessin. 

So…just when I think nothing can surprise me…Im reminded that crafty engineer types all over the world are at home fashioning solutions to their ever increasing masturbatory needs. I caution you…dont start what you arent prepared to be dependent on.

Moral of the story: Even a true perverted provider cannot fix or “do better” than the machine you have perfected in your garage for the last few years. Now…if he just wants my dick while he does his thing…we have a working compromise!

And now you may resume your rather normal life in comparison… happy bong hits.