The NOT Sex…Therapy
I went and spent a Saturday with HitachiMan… havent visited his spot in quite some time since he usually just visits his stuff at my place. I had myself all in a bunch because I knew I was “going first”… anticipation building building…whats going to happen to me?
I’d written down and emailed some things to him that I like or think I will like…and that all by itself was a challenge. Admit that I like that? and that? Hell no. But… its….safe…. right? I can be honest with ONE person on earth, right? palms still sweaty… here we go!
HitachiMan tied me to an arm chair and all seemed to be the same as usual…I get excited, I know he’s not going to kill me or anything, I know I’m going to cum and squirt all over. Hey, I’ve GOT this, we’ve done this like 5 or 6 times now…its FUN.
And then…IT happened. Somewhere deep inside my psyche…IT started to rear its ugly head. That thing that I keep tucked away…and it came with a vengence. Anger-Rebellion-Aggression mixed with a need to Instigate-Irritate-Antagonize. I fought the ropes, I fought the idea, I fought the vibrator, I fought fought fought for apparently an hour and 45 minutes. Felt like around 15-20 minutes. He says I talked all the way through, I dont remember saying anything but curse words. It felt like a safe place to unload some pent up….stuff. I dont know what. I do know that I fight that feeling every time I get tied up, and usually I relax and enjoy. This time…I enjoyed letting go of what I can only describe as antagonistic rebelliousness. I was pushing him to do something…I was pushing pushing, trying to get him angry I think. Angry? why? no idea. I think I wanted him to be mean, slap me in the face, not sure not sure. But…I know that wasnt a pretty lady tied to a chair. I know that was a hideous demon. How do I know?
One other time the demon has come out.
Remember last year when I went to do that photo shoot in rope? That situation brought it out, but nowhere near to this degree.
Keep in mind, Im barely tied off in this picture…NOTHING like being completely tied to an armchair. All i wanna do…is BATTLE. Anyone who thinks I’m submissive…yer nutz.
So…I woke up Sunday refreshed. Anxiety gone. Much more peaceful. Perhaps, this is how some people experience BDSM regularly? No idea, I’m just me and have no comparison data. I can tell you, that this inner THING scares me. I’ve never let it out without restraints, I’ve spent 30 years containing and managing IT, and thats probably a good thing! No, I wasn’t ever molested or abused as a child. Yes, I have always been the authority to avoid needing to acquiesce to another authority. Maybe…IT is just part of who I am?
Now, someone please call me and discuss their “weird” foot fetish… and all about how you think that makes you feel “different”. (sarcasm)